October 21st 2011 My Occupy Wall Street Strategy

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past month, you’ve no doubt heard of the Occupy Wall Street protest taking place in Manhattan’s Financial District. Although the goals of the movement are broad and even a bit vague, the technique is pretty concrete: protests, marches, sit-ins, civil disobedience, and the infiltration and capture of Brooklyn Bridge, the most evil icon of financial greed in New York. While the movement is getting a lot of attention, you have to wonder how much change it can really effect, hamstrung as it is by the need to remain a peaceful protest.

To the Wall Street protesters, I say: you need a new strategy. Think bigger! A chunk of the protesters should get jobs in finance and infiltrate the banks à la Fight Club, using their newfound positions to sow chaos. Swap the morning coffee for decaf. Put tacks on everyone’s chairs. Fill up the handset of bankers’ desk telephones with a new dime each day, and then suddenly remove them all.

One thing I learned as a writer for a college newspaper: it’s the little things in life that matter. Slowly but surely, the little flaws make you go insane.

Fucking with the coffee isn’t nefarious enough? Well, let me throw this down on the stoop and see if the cat licks it up: back in September, a rogue trader for UBS lost $2 billion for the bank. Why don’t a couple finance-minded protesters get jobs as traders and make some risky transactions? Sure, such antics could ruin the economy again, but bankers would be shitting their pants worrying about the possibility of moles within their company. To paraphrase Julian Assange, the best way to make an organization ineffectual is to constantly make it shit its pants.

Of course, none of those strategies deal with the corruption of the Brooklyn Bridge. For that, I have no solution.