Apparently the new iPhone came out today, or yesterday, or something:

Well, you know what? Fuck the iPhone.

Seriously, here are four good reasons not to buy an iPhone:

1. You don’t need one. Unless you’re the President of the United States, you don’t need to check your email when you’re at the bar, or driving to work, or playing golf. Moreoever, the ability to watch YouTube videos anytime, anywhere, will not make your life complete (it may even make it more depressing).
2. It locks you into an expensive cell phone contract, and subsidizes the operations of a company that makes it a matter of practice to lock you into buying their products and only their products.
3. You can’t install third-party applications on your “mini computer” without Apple’s consent. If you “dare” to hack your iPhone to use unsigned applications, future updates are liable to turn it into a very expensive paperweight.
4. It makes me publish rants that are completely lacking in their usual eloquence.

So take your damn iPhone and shove it.