December 23rd 2005 Roundhouse Kick

I consider myself a pretty easy-going guy, but even I get pretty annoyed be people sometimes. I’m beginning to feel that much of the stress of our society is our inability to deal with these small annoyances, mostly due to societal pressure. As a society, Americans are forced to internalize all their annoyances, which results in gross manifestations: wife beating, child beating, road rage violence, alcoholism, drug abuse, and so forth. Clearly we need a solution to curb this growing problem of stress. And I think I have just the solution:

The Roundhouse Kick.

Take, for example, this common situation: You’re waiting in line at a fast food restaurant. Somebody cuts in front of you. You tap them on the shoulder and say, “Excuse me, sir” and then when he turns around, bam! you hit him a roundhouse to the face. No arguing about who was where in line. Heck, the guy can even stay in front of you, because you just got all your aggression out by roundhousing him to the face.

Or this example, to which anyone at a preppy college can probably relate: It’s a sunny day, 65°, and you see a girl wearing a miniskirt and green-and-pink polka-dotted boots. What do you do? Bam! hit her in the face with a roundhouse kick. Problem solved.

Or someone is calling you a whiny little bitch. No need to get all up in his grill about it—just hit him with a roundhouse, and then you’re best friends again.

Friend accuse you of cheating in ESPN 2k5? Hit him with a roundhouse and keep playing the game.

At first glance, this might seem unhealthy, but stress itself is a major cause of many diseases, including heart disease, and the reason many people smoke or drink alcohol. If there was a quick, painless way (at least to the person who is stressed) to get relieve stress, would it not end up positively affecting health for all Americans?

So the next time you’re annoyed, do yourself a favor by teaching that pain-in-the-ass a lesson: hit ’em with a roundhouse to the face! You’ve feel better about yourself, and the other person will have learned a good life lesson about being an annoying jerk.