June 14th 2005 You Just Assumed I Meant Michael Jackson.

In absence of anything worthwhile to post, Monkey Robot is delighted to bring you a series of interviews from famous faces. Tonight, we sat down with Mr. William Hurt of Lewisburg. Mr. William Hurt is a well-known musician, and we are very luck to be granted an interview with this reclusive artist. Our interview began with a long drive up a dirt lane, shrouded in darkness from tall pine trees. Upon reaching Mr. Hurt’s mountain lair, we were admitted into his sitting room, where we freely answered questions on a range of issues that plague American society today.

  1. Monkey Robot: So is he guilty?

    William Hurt: Well, I can’t really say for sure. When he touched me he seemed to really have feelings for me. Maybe the kid just wanted some hot Jackson action.

  2. You just assumed I meant Michael Jackson.

    I’m sorry.

  3. What are your thoughts on Tupac Shakur?

    He’s lovely? I don’t really think about him to be honest… “I went to the bank to cash my cheque / I get more respect from the [expletive] dope man / The Grammys and the American music shows pimp us like hoes / They got dough but they hate us though / You better keep your mind on the real [expletive] / The quicker the [expletive] can go on / The faster the [expletive] can get his dough on / Then I can hit my flow and get my ho on / Them [expletive] don’t know what goes on / They trying to [expletive] with all they clothes on / Then act up when all the hoes gone.” Right on my brutha…right on.

  4. Do you consider him a musical genius?

    I’m going to have to say no to that.

  5. So…just a young black man trying to keep it real and reppin’ the West Coast?

    Couldn’t have said it better myself, Sir Dip.

  6. So what do you think about sex before marriage? Does it have any place in today’s society?

    Well sure it does. I mean, the age at which people are getting married these days has risen on average and especially in the world of the educated. More people focusing on graduate work, their careers, etc. and just don’t have time to get married. What are they supposed to do? I’m sure manual stimulation will get kind of old.

  7. Your opponent claims that statements like that make Baby Jesus cry. How do you respond?

    Feed him to Michael.

  8. Speaking of Michael, now that Michael Jackson has been acquitted, would you send your kids to stay at Neverland Ranch?

    Sure. I’ll sacrifice my children for a chance to own all of Michael’s property (including the rights to most of The Beatles’ hits) any day of the week. I might even get my kid Enzyte, for natural male enhancement. That way Jackson will have to give him a “bad” touch and I’m sure no jury will acquit him again.

  9. What do you consider the real thriller: “Thriller,” or the lurid details of Jackson’s stash of pornography?

    I’d have to say “Thriller.”

  10. Top or bottom?

    Bottom. For sure. Errr, ummm…fo-shizzle. Look what I found on the second page of a Google image search for “natural male enhancement.”

    Dick Cheney
  11. Is that Dick Cheney?

    Indeed it is.

  12. It’s called “dick.jpg.” How do you feel about that?

    It’s appropriate.

  13. Well, William, the people and I would like to thank you for taking the time to sit down and discuss these issues with us.

    No problem. Make sure to tell the people that I love them.