March 3rd 2005 The 2005 Bucknell Toilet Paper Summit

Recently, the men’s bathroom on Vedder 2 NW has become a sort of forum for all sorts of intellectual and sociopolitical discussion. Tonight, the 2005 Bucknell Toilet Paper Summit was held. Representing the toilet paper concerns of all Bucknell students were Vedder West residents Richard “Rich” Thompson, Eric Yingling, and Michael Dippery. The impromptu summit, hopefully to be held every year in the Vedder 2 NW men’s bathroom, was a place for these three individuals to air their opinions on the declining toilet paper situation at Bucknell University in a friendly and dignified manner.

The summit began with Rich and Michael expressing their opinions on the toilet paper. The talk was initiated when Rich demanded three-ply toilet paper with a thicker cottony quilt and a nice pattern. Michael wasn’t as harsh in his demands, saying that he’d settle for a three-ply toilet paper with a thicker quilt. Both representatives agreed that, given the steep costs of tuition at Bucknell, it is unacceptable to settle for the cheap, one-ply toilet paper supplied by the custodial staff.

Eric was more ambiguous in his opinions, stating only that he liked to think of the toilet paper as “John Wayne toilet paper—it’s rough, it’s tough, and it don’t take shit off o’ no one.” When asked if that was an original description, Eric responded, “Yes.”

While an agreement with the University could not be made, the 2005 Bucknell Toilet Paper Summit emphasized the need for stronger, more comfortable toilet paper. The parties hope that the formation of a Bucknell Caucus for Toilet Paper Quality will hopefully result in the distribution of higher-quality toilet paper in the near future, a move that all three representatives feel would make life at Bucknell University more comfortable indeed.