November 26th 2004 The Lewisburgian’s Guide to Avoiding the Fuzz While Still Having Fun

Any young (read: not employed full-time) resident of Lewisburg will tell you that the town is a pretty boring place. As my friend Noah, a student at the University of Pittsburgh, will tell you, the number of people on the street in the middle afternoon of Black Friday is roughly equal to the number of people around his dorm at 4 AM. We’re talking a pretty dull town. That’s why Noah and I got the brilliant idea to head to Stamm’s appliance store on Market Street and ask if we could have a refrigerator box “for a project.” The kindly manager readily agreed, telling us to go out back to the garage and take any box we wanted. Naturally we chose the biggest, most bad-ass refrigerator box we could find and took it home.

There was only one problem: what to do with such a huge box? Eventually we decided to cut holes in it and walk around Kidsburg with the box. Noah and I had planned on just standing there in the box and waving to little kids until we mutually decided that that was creepy. Instead, two other friends joined us, and we proceeded to take turns getting inside the box and kicking the bejeepers out of each other. Unfortunately, that got old pretty fast, and we were afraid of scaring kids; so we took the box to the park across the street (colloquially known as “Hufnagle Park”) and had a good time riding the box down the concrete steps (which sounds more painful than it really is—aside from nearly dislocating my shoulder and hitting my forehead really, really hard, none of us got a scratch!).

That is, we had a good time until a cop came by. Suspecting us of having stolen the box (presumably from a homeless person, although the officer did not specify), he told us to take the box somewhere else, because the borough didn’t want to have to deal with liability issues if we got injured while riding the box down the steps.

We took it back to Noah’s house, but that’s not the point of this article. No, the point is to detail a series of ways to have a good time in Lewisburg (and even other states!) without getting arrested. So, I present you with…The Lewisburgian’s Guide to Avoiding the Fuzz While Still Having Fun.

  1. Grab a cardboard refrigerator box from the back of Stamm’s and ride it down the concrete steps at Hufnagle Park (which just so happens to be behind the police station). The cops won’t arrest you—they’ll just tell you to take your shenanigans elsewhere.
  2. Play Laser Tag at the Pauling Sports Complex behind the Middle School late at night. Chances are, someone will think you are breaking into the equipment shed and call the cops. They’ll most likely send two cop cars. After blinding you with their spotlights, they’ll realize the ridiculousness of the situation and just leave.
  3. Burn a shoe in your backyard. As long as you do it with the son of a police officer, you won’t get charged with anything.
  4. Walk through a park in northern New Jersey at 8:00 on a hot July night. A cop might stop you and ask you for ID, then radio in that he’s questioning a white male from Pennsylvania. He’ll then give you your ID back and tell you to have a good night. (A bonus is being an eighteen-year-old male—those guys look suspicious no matter what, and with good reason. They’re nothing but trouble.)

Surely there’s more, but remember that the list is in progress.

Oh, and if you are wondering…yes, I did celebrate Buy Nothing Day, not because of any political ideology, but because I am a college student, which automatically means I have almost no money to buy stuff with anyway.