October 24th 2004 Monkey Robot Presidential Endorsement

Since reputable publications such as The New York Times and The Salt Lake City Tribune have announced their endorsements of the presidential candidates, Monkey Robot has decided that it, too, should announce its endorsement of a presidential candidate. Monkey Robot is pleased to announce that it is endorsing Senator John Kerry for US President in 2004. There are numerous reasons for this endorsement, many of which are discussed in this article, but a few additional ones will be outlined here:

  • John Kerry is not an idiot. That’s right, folks—John Kerry gets the endorsement for his ability to string together words and phrases into coherent thoughts. This ability is unmatched by his competition, President George W. Bush, who makes statements such as, “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully,” and pronounces nuclear as “nook-yu-lur.”
  • John Kerry hasn’t squandered our federal budget surplus. Even though Republicans are supposedly “fiscally conservatives,” George Bush has managed to eliminate our federal budget surplus. He’s had his turn to squander our money; John Kerry should have a shot at it, too. (Yes, I know I mentioned that in my other post, but it’s important enough that it’s worth mentioning it again for emphasis.)
  • John Kerry won’t nominate John Ashcroft as Attorney General. ’Nough said.
  • John Kerry doesn’t use threats of terrorism to strike fear into Americans. Is anyone else a bit irritated by Bush’s implication that the US will be less safe under Kerry, or the fact that he’s using the claim that terrorists might disrupt the election to make voters afraid? Talk about “cheap and tawdry” political tricks.
  • John Kerry isn’t endorsed by the ayatollah in Iran, but George W. Bush is. Do you really want to elect the person Iran wants as US president?
  • John Kerry was never a raging alcoholic. But Dubya was never a raging alcoholic either, as the Pleasure Boat Captains for Truth can attest to.
  • John Kerry knew there’d be casualties in Iraq, but George Bush didn’t.

I hope on Election Day, you will keep the wise words of Monkey Robot in your minds and vote John Kerry for President!

Speaking of politics, there were a few ridiculous things I read or otherwise heard about over the weekend.

  1. Bush accused Kerry’s health care reform plan of draining too much money out of the federal budget, which is a fairly ridiculous statement for a man who turned the largest budget surplus into the largest budget deficit.
  2. Bush has no problem with depriving Americans of their civil liberties. Nearly everything we do today is under surveillance, including checking library books out of a library. While these rights and freedoms are expendable on the “war on terror,” Bush finds it perfectly acceptable for terrorists to buy assault rifles in the US with few regulations.

Alright. That’s definitely enough politics for one day. I’ll try to keep the rhetoric to a minimum in the weeks leading up to the election.