Reliable sources tell me that they (no word yet on which entity “they” refers to) were handing out free Chipwiches at the LC (or Langone Center for you non-Bucknellians) this afternoon. Unfortunately, I did not get to witness this dispersal of free ice cream goodness first-hand, but upon entering my Japanese Literature course, a fellow student flung a Chipwich at me, which I gleefully ate. As the professor launched into his teachings, I quickly forgot about the tasty morsels I had just consumed.

However, after my learning was complete for the day, I went back to my room and hopped onto Instant Messenger. I noticed that my dear friend Janine was upset about the lack of Chipwiches on campus. After speaking to her a bit, I realized that the Chipwiches had been gone by the time she arrived at the LC. That’s also about the time I remember that this guy in my Japanese Lit course had about a dozen Chipwiches in his possession.

That really got me thinking. Clearly he had picked up a load of free Chipwiches. Given the fact that they cost nothing, I imagine that a lot of other people got a lot of free Chipwiches, too, resulting in a Chipwich shortage on Bucknell’s campus. Simple economics teaches us that a shortage results in inflated prices. Therefore, a person with a hoard of Chipwiches could conceivably stand to make a lot of money—especially if the Chipwiches were free to begin with!

I hypothesize that there’s an excellent market for stolen specialty foods on Bucknell’s campus. Naturally I don’t reason that I am the only one to have thought of this plan, which leads me to suspect a burgeoning trade in black-market foods. Where else would all these Chipwiches have gone? Clearly someone is hoarding the Chipwiches and doling them out in small increments for inflated prices. It’s become apparent that anyone with access to the kitchens, anyone who can get their hands on specialty food items, is practically king around these parts.

I doubt the guy in my Japanese Lit course was the kingpin of this operation. The central figure would have far more than merely twelve Chipwiches, and he would not give them out willy-nilly like this guy did. No, somehow, this guy managed to get his own Chipwiches. But I know there is some shadowy figure sitting around, stealing specialty items such as Chipwiches or chocolate chip pancakes, and reselling them at inflated prices to people who know of this underground food market.

I’m willing to bet that this black market food supply is an extension of the one that operated at Lewisburg High School. I was never able to confirm it, but from taking Gourmet my sophomore year, I learned that Mrs. Jarrett often lost strange food items, such as lemon juice and pickles. Clearly someone was stealing those items and reselling them to other students. I never proved my hypothesis, but instinct tells me that this black market existed. Clearly it exists here at Bucknell, too. I mean, someone took all those free Chipwiches with a profitable goal in mind.

If no one is doing that yet, then they should, because it’s a good idea.