I bought a very nice hat yesterday. I bought this hat for two primary reasons: I really like hats, and I need a new hat to keep my head warm during the winter. I found a very nice hat online for $22.50 with shipping and handling. Now, this is a pretty pricey hat, I’ll admit; and I would not have considered buying it, had it not been for the fact that my mum gave me $100 to buy clothing in August, and I have not spent a penny of that $100 yet. (I’m not a big fan of shopping.)

The hat is very nice. It’s crocheted, and primarily made up of the colors white, tan, and brown. It’s also a very preppy hat; but that’s okay, because I go to Bucknell University now, and I need some preppy clothes (and sandals, for that matter) if I ever hope to fit in at this place; and let’s face it, the red AE polo shirt that my friend’s mum gave me just isn’t cutting it anymore. Of course, I have plenty of other polo shirts I can wear, including my favorite cornflower-blue polo, so hopefully, between those polos and my new hat, I’ll have plenty of preppy clothes for the remainder of the academic year.

Of course, there is one problem with these polo shirts—evidently I don’t wear them correctly! I never thought there was much of a science behind wearing polo shirts, but after coming to Bucknell, I’ve realized that, my whole life, I’ve been wearing my polo shirts incorrectly. How does one wear a polo shirt incorrectly, you ask? Well, you see, my whole life, I have been wearing them with the collars down; but after coming to Bucknell, I’ve realized that you are actually supposed to wear polo shirts with the collar up; and while wearing one, it’s necessary to walk around with an arrogant swagger, so everyone knows that you are, in fact, the coolest and richest kid on campus. As a further extension, if you wear polo shirts, you are automatically a member of the men’s crew team, even if you don’t like crew.

Now that we have that cleared up, I can safely wear my new preppy hat and my polos with the collars turned up. All I need now is to find a pair of the most impractical sandals I can find and wear them all the time (even when there’s three feet of snow on the ground), and start attending crew practices a bit more diligently; then I will be the most popular guy at Bucknell, and women will flock to me (but only because I have a lot of money).